The last few months Josh and I have been frantically trying to catch up from our 2 months of unexpected unemployment....in those 2 months our income was pretty much nonexistant and unfortunately traveling for job interviews plus moving expenses added up. Not to bore anyone with our financial woes, but let's just say that we figured we would take advantage of picking up extra hours while Josh was not yet back in school. This last week was definately a long one, I traded a day with a co-worker, picked up an extra shift and worked 10-12 hours every day except Sunday! When I got home Thursday night I went to put Jackson to bed like I always do and he kind of freaked out. He almost acted scared and I couldn't get him to calm down. Josh finally came in to see what was wrong and Jackson went straight to him and calmed right down. Broke my heart. My only thought was that he is mad at me for not being around; he prefers Josh over me... And, that's when I realized no money is worth my time away from my little man.
During slower times at work I often get online and browse around on blogs of friends, family, and even some people I don't know so well. I wonder what it would be like if I could spend all my days at home playing with my son, cleaning my house, working out, making dinner, being crafty, and doing whatever else it is that stay at home moms do. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and am grateful I have the education I do to help our family, especially while Josh is working on his career. It's just that it truly does break my heart that I can't spend everyday with Jackson, and I'll even go as far as saying I feel guilty that I'm not the kind of mom I want to be. I know in time all will be different and Josh will go off to work each day while I stay at home. In the meantime, I think I will cut back on trying to pick up extra hours and enjoy every free moment I have to spend with my son.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Life's Lessons
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5 comments:
I think your an amazing person and a wonderful mother!!! You are doing so much for your family! You and Josh are such hard workers and someday you will have the perfect schedule for you and your family! I miss you friend!
it is very apparent that you love your little boy - so much so that you are willing to sacrifice for him and that is a true mother's love. stay strong! i hope you can change your situation to what you want soon, but don't feel guilty for doing what you need to do now. i wish you all the best!
I know exactly how you feel. I have been feeling like that lately. Kennedy is getting so big. It seems like yesterday that I was still prego with her and couldnt wait for her to get here. But we just have to cherish being a mother. Even though we work long hours away from home, it is just the best to see there little smiling face. But dont feel guilty.
I know EXACTLY how you feel!! It is so hard.. and even though I don't have my own kids yet.. I am still a "mom" and I don't think unless you work as a mom AND at a career you really understand. So, what I'm trying to say is you are wonderful and I understand what you are going through! You are an AMAZING person and a good mom. Don't beat yourself up Linds. Oh, and thank you for your kind words to me. It means a lot :) Wish I could see you more often it's been forever :)
My dear Linds I feel for you! Life is a tricky balance and it takes some work figuring out how to make everything flow. I haven't found out the secret yet so if you figure it out let me know. :)
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